Happiness is something that has always been foreign to me. It has never come easily and when it did, it was short lived.

     For most of my life I have fought for happiness and, on the rare occasions I found it, I poured my heart and soul into keeping it, all with the knowledge that the fleeting moments of happiness I did achieve, would not last and that, in their wake, only pain would remain. Yet still, with this knowledge, I carried on in my search, hoping that each time would be different from the last. Phycology defines insanity as the repetition of the same action with the hope of different results. If you believe this definition, then I was, indeed, insane. But no amount of reasoning or explanation, not even the plainly evident truth that true happiness is, and always will be, an unattainable goal, could make me stray from my course.

     My search lead through a string of failed relationships that inevitably ended in heartbreak. Somewhere along the line, I began to realize that what I felt for the other person wasn’t love, but a desire for the companionship that seemed to be my only means to ending the perpetual sadness that overwhelmed me. However, the longer I mulled over this realization, the more fake I recognized these partnerships to be, and the less they seemed to fulfill the loneliness in my heart and, in turn, bring me happiness. Slowly, I began to withdraw from the world, hiding in darkness and solitude, which, while not bringing me joy, spared me the pain of seeing the joy of others. Pass times and hobbies which once¬†were the highlights of my days began to lose their meaning and devolve into drudgery. Jealousy and spite began to take hold, serving only to widen the rift between me and the outside world. No one seemed to notice my pain, and, by the time they did, it was too late. I had withdrawn into myself, like a turtle into its shell, and refused to let anyone close, for fear of repeating the now dreaded cycle of attachment and lose.

     This strategy worked only for a short while. Soon, my loneliness and desperation grew to where I couldn’t help but to reach out to someone…anyone.  And with that, the cycle began again. I remain in its grasp to this day, dreading the inevitable pain from which I know I cannot escape. I can only hope that, one day, someone, or something, will come along and free me from my endless, repetitive prison.


LogMeIn Inc.

I’m angry…that’s all I can say. Most of you will either have no clue what I’m talking about or won’t care but I gotta vent. I’ve used LogMeIn Free for about 3 months now to remote log in to my desktop computer at home from my laptop and to do other remote work. I tried to do the same today and was told LogMeIn Free was no longer available. I wasn’t warned about this and now the service I came to rely on suddenly disappeared. This is outrageous!! How can a company just cancel a service without giving people time to find a suitable replacement?! Now they say if you would like to continue using LogMeIn, you have to pay $49.99! This is nuts! In the FAQs, it says that a notice was emailed out, but I never got any such notice. I just want to say, if anyone who used LogMeIn is thinking of paying their outrageous fee, please reconsider. There are several other programs out there that offer the same or better service, such as TeamViewer.

Christmas Blues

[ I know that there are very few people who will read this, but for those few… I know this is not my best writing, and I know I haven’t written in a very long time. Thank you very much for staying with me.]

Christmas…for most people, a time of love, joy and good cheer. Christmas is said to be a season to be happy and spend time with the ones you love, rejoicing in the gifts of friends and family. But for some, Christmas has lost its meaning.

For me, Christmas used to be a time of joy no matter what troubles I had. No matter how bad things were, hearing a Christmas carol or seeing the lights never failed to put me in a cheerful mood. Then, things seemed to change; the carols became a bit less merry, the lights a bit dimmer, the hot coco a bit less sweet. I guess it may have happened slowly, so slow, in fact, that I didn’t even notice the change, but Christmas had lost its magic. The sights and sounds of Christmas ceased to make me smile. The joy usually heralded by the season, just didn’t seem to appear anymore. And like a small child on Christmas morning, saddened to the core when he wakes to find Santa did not visit his home, I realized, with great melancholy, as I watch the endless parade of yuletide movies on TV, that Christmas was not the joy-filled season it once was.

Maybe it was me who changed, maybe I lost my joy, my Christmas spirit, or maybe it was Christmas itself, in this modern era or materialism and unkindness, that no longer brought its once abundant cheer; maybe it is just a fact of growing up, or maybe I have grown cold, but there is no longer any happiness in this season.

Many will probably call me a Grinch, and maybe that is what I am becoming, but I feel that I can no longer speak of the joys of Christmas, for, to me, Christmas no longer carries any joy.

Time: The Strongest of Forces

It is said that water is the strongest force. Water is indeed very powerful. It has the power to give life and to take it away. It has the power to shape the grandest of mountains and carve the deepest of valleys. But I disagree that water is the strongest force in this world, rather time is.

Water may take life if circumstance allows, but time takes all life regardless of the influence of others. Only through time can the forces of nature do their work, forming and shaping formidable peaks and valleys. In all these and many more displays of force, time is the enabling power, allowing all other forces of nature to shape our world.
Time, alone, can strengthen or weaken bonds of the heart and soul. Bonds of love, respect and caring can only grow and endure through the good disposition of time. If time so chooses, even the strongest of bonds can be broken. Even the most enduring connections well dissolve under the fierce ravages of time.

Time enables all other forces and shapes the world around us to its whims. No force of man or nature can stands against the ever-present strain of time.

Losing Those You Love

Losing someone you care about can be one of the hardest things you can go through in life. No matter how or why someone dies, the loss leaves a hole in your heart that you feel can never be filled again. This being said, I believe that losing someone to suicide is one on the most painful experiences imaginable.

When someone commits suicide, it is most often a last resort when they feel that there is no hope for their life to get better or that they have no reason to live. As a friend or relative of a suicide victim, you often can’t help but feel that you are in some way to blame for the death. You believe that it’s your fault for not helping or not being supportive enough, even though this is usually not the case. In some cases, one persons suicide can trigger the suicides of friends or relatives who feel guilty about what happened.

Guilt, anger and other negative emotions that may result from a loss can lead to dangerous behaviors such as self-harm or violence. It is important in the wake of a suicide, or any loss, that friends/relatives talk about what happened and try to understand it. While this may be painful and difficult, it can be helpful to express and relieve feelings that can build and lead to harmful behaviors. Expressing feelings, especially of guilt, can be a vital step in coping with a loss. In children, where these feeling are more likely to occur, it may be best to seek professional help, such as a school counselor or physiatrist.

If you are depressed or having thoughts of suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Music, The Heartbeat of Life

To me, music is much more then just sound, much more then notes and words. When I tell people this, they ask, “How is that possible?” And I understand them asking because technically, in the most scientific sense, music isn’t anything more then sound. But somewhere in the process of its creation, it becomes more then that. Maybe it’s one point in the process: it’s conception, someone putting their feelings into lyrical form; it’s recording, a musician pouring his soul into a performance; or the listening, someone hearing a song and being able to relate to it.

When you listen to music, something happens. It changes and affects your feeling and can inspire, motivate, and energize you. In this world of cynics and terrorism, I believe music is one of the few true miracles.

Long live music!!


Here’s a sad yet wonderful poem my girlfriend wrote. Hope y’all like.

The runaway
had an open door
to get out
she did the terrible dead
of running away
instead of facing her problems
she thought she was right
when in fact
was wrong
that broke her heart
then if she stayed.